Google Adwords, or All I wanted was a Pepsi

Wait, what are you talking about, we decided!?
My best interest?! How can you know what’s my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I’m crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches,
I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I’m crazy? — Institutionalized, by Suicidal Tendencies

How is that relevant to Google Adwords? If you know the song of course you’ll instantly see the catchphrase “All I wanted was a Pepsi” in the article title. Let me take a minute to run through the process for you.

1) Write a keyword based blog article, possibly passing the Yoast Test, and about an actual product or service that is actually about the Keyword, or which the Keyword is actually about.

2) Enter the URL in the Keyword Planner. Let it generate the random spew of stuff. If your Keyword isn’t there, you messed up #1, so begin again. Otherwise, go ahead and select the Keyword and set a reasonable budget based on something like 1% of visitors will opt-in and 1% of opt-ins will purchase. Yeah, that’s low, but you need a baseline that’s quite reasonable. I myself don’t go for the whole “Would you spend $99 to make $100” self-help-guru chant.

3) Write a handful of ads using the Keyword, and using actual text from your actual page of your actual product. The more actual this all is the more frustrated you can feel later on. Hang on till then. You’ll see.

4) Wait a day or two for your ads to be approved. You’d be surprised at the odd things that will get you unapproved. I won’t spoil your fun here. Be warned.

5) Assuming approval, which might put you back to #3 if you aren’t, then wait a day or two for your ads to run and see some traffic.

6) After a day or two of your ads running, Adwords will spit out apparently random quality ratings that will cause your ads to stop running. Apparently your Keywords have nothing to do with your page. Or your page has nothing to do with your product. Or your product has nothing to do with your Keywords. Or your visitors didn’t like your page and left within a random mystery time limit, which implies there’s no content there that has anything to do with your product, or Keywords, or ads.

7) Adwords will suggest you go to step #1 again, or add a ton of money to the budget and compete with the bots. Bots? Yeah, you can set up a maximum bid and have your bid bot monitor your Keywords and outbid anyone not willing to go past your budget. I was shocked by the silly businesses outbidding me on some of mine. I mean like $10/click for [outdoor word]. I went to a new browser with no connection to my account and typed it in. It’s camping stores. I suppose if they can get a $2000 order out of every hundredth visitor they’d break even, assuming a 50% COGS. You cannot defeat people using that logic. Just letting you know.

So now, after all of that, you’re probably thinking.

“You chose my Keywords from my page. You approved my Keywords. You approved my ads. You ran the ads. People clicked them. If I budgeted 10,000 clicks to get 100 opt-ins to get 1 purchase, then I need to get 10,000 clicks before I know if it worked. Yet you only want to give me 10 clicks before telling me it’s all a waste. All I wanted was a freaking Pepsi and you wouldn’t give it to me.”

In all fairness though, I’m being a bit extreme with this particular example. But the general principles of it do apply. Warning you before you run off and start spending money on Adwords based on the equally extreme examples from the self-help-marketing-gurus like the following.

“Would you pay $99 to earn $100? YES! 1000 times a day and you’ll be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams!”

Keep in mind that the first few thousand times you do that it’s going to be more like “Spend $1000 to earn $100” until you learn the system.

Watch for a future article about “How to write an article to ensure no keyword confusion and make your search relevance 100%” or “spinners, humans and apps” – one of my favorite topics.

The bots always win in an Adwords battle
The bots always win in an Adwords battle

About the Author: Charles

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